The Hoggy Warty Host Club
by Fuschia Colored Fantasy
Summary: Magical Mischief-Makers are proud to present- the The Hogwarts Host Club! (This is an AU, Fem!Snape, and probably several other things. Plot ideas will be partially, but not completely based off of the Ouran High School Host Club.)


Septima really didn't know how she got into situations like this, but she was certain it had something to do with some superior magical being out there that just sitting back and laughing at her expense.

"BOY! I thought I asked you a question?" James Potter demanded, looking down at her through his glasses with all of the wrath of the angel of death. The same boy who made it a point to torment her in the halls, and at lunch, because she was such an easy target. Granted, he made fools out of all of the Slytherins he possibly could, it was just that the others often had people to walk with between classes, or talk to during lunch. Being a half-blood placed in Slytherin was hard, and while people had grown to respect her, it was a begrudging respect out of the mere fact that she could take down most of the Hogwarts population with one arm tied behind her back in a duel. While many of her fellow classmates did talk to her, it was rarely about anything that was not school related... except for one person, for whom she had worried over their well-being almost too much recently, considering his family life, and their allegiances to certain powers.

Simply thinking that James calling her boy was another one of his cruel jokes, she tuned him out, searching for the person she had followed into the room before she had been unceremoniously knocked to the ground by James.

She scanned the room trying to find him. She could have sworn she had followed the fool into the Gryffindor territory and had assumed the worst, considering his well publicized rocky relationship with his ne'er-do-well brother. She was however, happy, if not slightly irritated, to find him perfectly relaxed, leaning back, and enjoying a cup of tea with a beautiful wavy haired brunette with a slightly over pronounced jawline. She knew for a fact he could do better... and the young girl was wearing Gryffindor robes, no less!

It wasn't until she ran her hand through her hair in contempt that her frazzled mind came back to Potter calling her a boy. For the first time in her life she had the upper hand over the four Marauders, who were also scattered throughout the room entertaining women. The only problem was she was certain it wouldn't be enough.

Avery had begged her to join the "Black's Magic Club" earlier that very same day. It was the oldest student run club in the school, funded completely by the Black family fortune. He wanted her to join so they could have a reason to practice dueling without him having to talk to her in his free time, so she accepted. While she was with him, though, he through a rotten cutting charm, which partially backfired as well as cut completely through her shield. The resulting explosion sent Avery to the Hospital, along with several other people who were in the vicinity. Thankfully, the charm seemed to bounce outwardly, so Septima was fine, at least to her knowledge.

She had also noticed Regulus acting strange, and just moments after the explosion he began sneaking off. As he was one of the few people she actually talked to and liked, she slipped off too, making sure he did not notice the shadow.

It was now that she realized, and little too late, that the cutting charm did slip past her shields before causing a bad reaction with the clash of magic. It cut her once much longer, thick, black locks to short, uneven lengths that could probably rival with James's should she decide to compete.

She looked back up at the furious Potter with her blank, dark stare, who had long since drawn his wand and was shouting, waving it frantically above her as she pieced everything together in her mind. A majority of the room had also stopped what they were doing to look at the frazzled Slytherin getting a good tongue lashing from Potter.

"James, as much as I know you dislike the Slytherins, is this any way to encourage inter-house relations?" A sandy brown-haired boy asked in a calm, calculating voice, putting a placating hand on James's wand shoulder to encourage him to lower it. Septima's heart froze as this new approachees eyes landed on her, and his lips twisted into a wolfish grin that may have been charming, had it not looked like he was scheming something, as well as slightly out of practice with the simple action of forming a grin.

She knew instantly who he was. He was the infamous Remus Lupin- one of the lesser well-known members of the Marauder's, but in no way the least deadly. He was well-known for his abnormally large intellect, which was possibly greater than the two leading Marauder's smarts. He was always able to talk his way out of a detention, leaving his record almost blemish free, even though it was suspected he was secretly involved in some magical fight club he sneaked out of school to join, which accounted for his many mysterious days of absences on record. The last one was purely speculation in the students part after realizing he could often be found in the hospital wing at least once a month. The rumor became well-known due to the school's student run paper, _the Hogsrear_, after a Ravenclaw student by the name of Reeta Skeeter published a rather silly and fake sounding article over the subject. While she received a months worth of detention for the slander it didn't stop people from perpetuating the rumors with vigor.

While he was a mysterious character, he still was able to gain a place among the Prefects, which made him that much more terrifying to Septima. While they all tormented her equally through her life... he was probably the most likely to recognize her considering his position. Knowing him, he had every single student's name and face memorized by now, no matter the house. And it was only their first week of fifth year.

"This poor, lost soul found its way to us for a reason. Obviously he is looking for something." At this, Lupin began prowling around her in a circle, taking in every feature with care. James looked slightly put-out, but a devilish glimmer lit back up in his eye that made Septima suddenly fear for her life. She could handle one of the Marauders, and possibly two, but not after the failure of a duel she just ran from. She needed a little more time to restore her energy.

"What is your name?" Remus queried in a monotone, stopping and stooping a little right behind her in an interrogative fashion, ignoring the fact that she was crumpled on the floor still from James's previous excitement.

She paused in one horrified moment, trying to think of a good fake name to get herself out of this. The only thing that was coming to mind, however, was the state of her severed hair, and how she was going to have to brew potion to regrow it soon. Yes, of all the things her mind could have gone to, it was stuck on the fact that her hair was too short for her liking. That was probably why she ended up blurting "Severed! I mean Severus. My name is Severus!" Before her mind had any time to actually catch up to what her mouth was spewing.

Remus looked at her doubtfully, but continued. "I had no notion that there was anybody of any house by the name of 'Severus.' What is your last name?"

Her mind went absolutely blank, and she became completely terrified at being caught in the lie. In one stupid moment of idiocy, she panicked and gave her last name as the Prefect loomed closer.

"Snape!" She whimpered. She knew instantly that she had answered wrong judging by the wicked gleam that consumed his features the moment after she had blurted it. Nobody else in the room seemed to notice it but her- then again, nobody else in the room had the need to notice it. It disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, replaced by a rather apathetic frown as he walked off, scribbling in his notebook the whole way.

"Have fun, James." He called over his shoulder before exiting the room. "I think it is about time I patrolled the halls. Enjoy your freedom." He made an over exaggerated movement with the watch on his wrist while adjusting the prefects badge. Septima just watched him, dumbstruck. "It shouldn't take me more than ten. Make sure everything is in order when I get back."

She wanted to get up and run after him, begging him not to tell and promising she would leave, but she was instead whisked off the floor by a suddenly very happy and charismatic James Potter. He held her so close to his chest that she nearly wanted to gag, though her face ended up turning a rather bright shade of red instead.

"Well my dear Severus Snape, my good friend Remus is correct," He cackled and grinned like the Cheshire cat while she struggled in his uncomfortable embrace, suddenly aware of how many Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff girls were also in the room, simply watching their interaction, giggling, taking notes, and... Septima quickly shoved her face as painfully as possible into James's chest to avoid being captured by the camera's flash. This was a day she did not want to be reminded of any time soon. If only she could just get away. The resulting squeal from the crowd made her obnoxiously aware of how wrong her decided action must have looked, especially seeing as how James had yet to let go, despite the fact she knew her headbutt should have at least winded the average person.

Then she remembered that he _was_ the Keeper on his house team, along with being prankster extraordinaire. He was obviously expecting her to do something along those lines, because his torso and ab muscles were obviously being flexed. And _goodness_ did he work out!

She kept her face buried in his chest to prevent anybody from seeing her steadily deepening blush, and avoid anymore candid moments. It didn't help that James continued talking, making her face rattle against his vibrating torso, nor did it help that he was rubbing her lower and upper back in an inappropriate way that made her jump away from the touch, only to end up that much closer to him. The audience of perverted girls continued to watch as she tried to wriggle away from his invading grip, only to end up falling further into it.

"As Remus said, a curious boy such as yourself must have heard of us from someone decided to... satisfy that curiosity?" His voice purred in her ear, making her push away hard enough to break their embrace, glaring at him with all the malice a Slytherin could muster. He was sadly immune to the deadly glare at this point in his bullying career.

"What in the world do you mean by that, Potter?" She hissed, taking a step back as he took an open armed step forward.

His smile nearly split his face in two. "Only that we won't judge you? For being different? And we will endeavor to treat you equally to all of our clients, despite your housing and..." His smile grew even larger at this, which made her irritated and nervous.

"And what?"

He charmingly fluffed his hair and threw back his head like he was laughing as he proclaimed, "Well, you would be our first outwardly gay client," at the top of his voice.

She just stared at him for a moment, confused as to what he was even talking about in the first place when he mentioned "Client." What ever it was, she quickly decided that it wasn't good if a Maurader was saying it. She was also more than a little irritated at this point at being called a boy.

"I'm. Not. Gay." She ground out, hoping that would make him realize without actually stating it that she was a girl. It didn't, for the obvious reason that he wasn't really listening to her.

He nodded, "Sure, sure. Of course! So, without further ado- Welcome to the Hoggy Warty Host Club!" He spun on his toes, gesturing at the rather opulent room around him, which was probably larger than the Black's Magic Club room.

"You named the club yourself, I am guessing?" She grumbled, taking another step back, away from the maniac and towards the door, only to find two bodies had placed themselves firmly behind her.

"It was a joint decision, wasn't it Jamsie-Boy?" One of the newcomers barked with almost too much glee... before patting her in what would have probably been a sportsman-like way on the rear, had she actually _been_ a man. As it was, her face- which had slowly begun to return to it's regular color- quickly lit up again like the flame under a cooling cauldron.

"Watchit!" She shouted, spinning around to face the others while attempting to cover her butt. The one who had spoken was attempting to watch her rear end like it was some funny joke. She was not surprised to note that he was Sirius Black, the eldest of the black family line and the most likely to make her life hell for his own personal amusement. The other was Regulus, who looked slightly uncomfortable, and his comfort levels dropped even more when he got a good glimpse of her features beneath the mangled bangs, which she hadn't gained until just a few minutes prior to following his sorry butt. He looked at his brother, back at her, then down at the ground as if to say his hands were tied.

She sighed. No help from him there. "Alright, fine! What is it that you guys actually do here?"

James and Sirius both pounced on her at the same time, preventing her from drawing her wand by grabbing her arms as the dragged her forward. "That is very simple, my vivacious little viper," James teased, pinching her cheek with his free hand while Sirius's other arm found it's way around her waist. She let out a rather undignified squawk, but it was ignored, like everything else she did.

"Well, serpentine friend o' mine, that is a very simple answer," Sirius growled in her ear dangerously, which she guessed was mostly due to the fact that he was even touching a Slytherin- which he usually avoided doing, even in the middle of a good prank. The funny part was that he hated Slytherins for hating anything that wasn't pure, which perpetuated a circle of hate he didn't seem to see in the long run. Still, he was a very good at pretending when his mind was set on it. His hand slowly crept up her waist towards the front of her robes and began undoing them before she realized _what_ he was doing to protest.

"We are a club where young witches- and you- can _come_ to practice their '_wand work_ and _wizardry skills_-' at the Mauraders very own Host Club!" He stated with enough sex appeal that every girl in the room was swooning at his use of several rather vulgar double entendres. In fact, no matter what he said, with the way it rolled out of his mouth he sounded like a sexual harassment. Despite this, all of the girls continued to crow as Septima stood flabbergasted in his and James's grip. What hair-brained idiot would want to spend their free time with these idiots?

"No need to get _grabby_, there is enough to go around!" He continued sensuously as he ran his fingers over her stomach, slowly working their way up till she realized what he was doing and pulled her hand out of both of their grips to try to push him away and stop him from defiling her dignity any further.

Sirius was, however, didn't seem to budge seeing as how he was obviously bigger than she was. Instead, she went flying backwards into a table of food covering herself completely.

"Ah!" Sirius glowing with a lecherous pride at her new-found seated position at the edge of the table, covered in jams, pasta sauces, and cookie crumbs. "I see you have a taste for the sweeter things in life." He gestured at the person behind her she guessed had been eating at the table before she crashed on it, "Meet Peter."

The small, bright-blonde boy looked up at her with a slightly confused look, tears obviously already welling in his eyes. "Awe! I got chocolate sauce on my potions essay now! Thanks a lot, guys."

This got everybody in the room laughing, "It has to be better than whatever you originally had down! Now join in, we have a 'new client.'"

Peter's eyes instantly took her in, frowning slightly before breaking into a charming, boyish smile that was more cute than handsome, mostly due to the fact that he still had the soft, underdeveloped features most children had. He also appeared to be shorter than the rest, and even his icing covered dimples seemed to bring out his sweet, childish nature. "Good joke, guys."

"Not a joke," Sirius countered, moving in to kiss Septima's hand, and deciding to lick and nibble the food covered fingers instead, which earned him a quick slap and a loud squeal from the watching girls.

"No! It really is a good joke." She ground out, pulling away from the 'Hosts' before they could really begin their entertainment for the night. She turned to run for the door, but as she was taking her first step she felt her shoe slip in some of the pudding that must have gone flying when she fell. It was almost like it was planted there, because the next thing she knew she went flying into a different table covered in expensive looking crystal balls.

The sound of their shattering resounded throughout the room as everyone went silent.

James was obviously the first to break the silence, with a slow, mocking tutting sound that reminded her of a clock. "What fun can we have with a Slytherin, and a few broken balls, Sirius?"

Sirius hummed in response, pretending to think about it. "A Slytherin with broken balls? Sounds like a serous, problem... or a Sirius answer depending on how you look at it."

Septima sprung to her feet at that, splicing her hand open on the shards. "Just let me leave?"

"What kind of hosts would we be if we did not offer you our best hospitality before your departure... and what sort of guest would you be if you left our abode in such a state?" Everyone jumped to attention at the sound of Remus's voice as he strolled leisurely into the room, observing the destruction as he came. "Everybody else may leave. We are done entertaining for the day, aren't we James?"

The bespectacled teen nodded, motioning for the ladies to leave. "Farewell, my beautiful maidens. I shall see you all next time."

Septima considered trying to sneak out while everybody else was leaving, but she was quickly stopped when Remus sharply crunched his way over to her on crystal shards. "But... I think you might have to stay a little longer," He singsonged. "We will need to discuss a payment plan for... all of our damages."

And that was when she knew she was in real trouble... because her family was absolutely broke. She made eye contact with Regulus, who simply smiled sheepishly.

Boy, were they going to have a _very_ long talk when she got out of this.


End file.
